It happened again last week–“you’re so quiet.” I get this comment so frequently that I sometime feel I need to go the washroom and look at my back in the mirror to make sure I don’t have some secret sign written on me like ‘kick me’ only mine would say something like ‘really quiet girl–please comment.’ Last summer while staying with someone in their home for a few weeks they nicknamed me “M. the Moth” because they said I was quiet as a moth and they never knew when I was coming or going.
It shouldn’t be a fault I tell myself– I mean quiet means I listen. And I do listen–sometimes I think if I didn’t try to say something about me no one else would actually ask–and all I’d do is listen. But I like to listen–that’s something I like to do. Yet, something about the way people say it frequently seems to indicate it’s some kind of perceived defect in their mind. The stupid thing is–I don’t actually notice being quiet until someone comments. Then all of a sudden I feel I need to compensate and make up for this horrid oversight and SAY something. Say ANYTHING–say LOTS of things–just go around SAYING. I’ve researched my ‘disorder’ as well. Every personality test I take comes up the same saying I’m an INFP which usually gets described with that dreaded “q” word.
“Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.”
Am I really that quiet? I’m not at all certain what to do with that information. Is it a disorder that I should focus on remedying by going around talking to a lot of people? (I feel tired at the mere suggestion) or is it something that’s a part of me that’s to be embraced? I wish in all honesty that I wasn’t quiet. It’s not how I imagine myself–in my mind I might be a moth but it’s more like this…